Circles

*sigh* *sigh* *siiiigggghhh*

I don't really believe that everything happens for a reason. I think it is easy to look back on a situation and see how it paved the way for something else to take place. Causality. Perhaps that's the same thing but I don't see it that way.

I can't get over the fact that no matter how much you want something the opposite is what comes crashing down on you.

You think you know a person, you think you can read people pretty well, that you are a good judge of character...but are you really? Maybe people are just getting better at hiding themselves.

I feel dispensible. It is not a feeling I'd like to have. It makes me question everyone and everything. It makes me anxious and my stomach upset. Perhaps i've just missed the boat or something. My mom says i'm not indespensible to her... :) that counts for something.

What I feel sounds so silly when I try to describe it. There is this connection...we talk, a lot. There is...understanding...at least i really feel that there is. I've always been on a different wavelength and it seems like suddenly i'm not the only one. I feel potential- real, solid, honest. Afraid to get caught up in another wave only to get pummeled, turned upside down and washed up. I don't want to sound cliche- it just feels different.

But maybe it's only different to me.

An Early Return

*sigh* I'm home again. Left early. Pretty pointless to keep one of these when i don't really have internet access to update it. Even if I did I don't even know what to say anymore. I seem to be in a continuous cycle of shit. Seems like something good happens and I feel like, finally something positive I can swim in and surround myself with, use it to help me get myself out of this self-depricating rut and then it turns to crap. immediately. I can't figure it out and i'm so tired to repeating myself over and over and over.

does anyone mean anything they say anymore? is it really that difficult to just say what you feel or think and not try to please someone else at the same time? how do we measure significance in our relationships, in spoken word, if we can't trust anything anyone says- especially the people who are supposed to be close to you? are we just so fucking jaded and bitter that we hold ourselves back because of fear- we withhold, lie and ultimately hurt others because we're trying to prevent OURSELVES from being hurt? i am tired of everything being so hard. i crave simplicity. it's all a matter of perspective- i'm not perfect, I know this. i know how ridiculously cliche this sounds but sometimes i truly feel like i'm the only one who gets what i'm fucking saying and feeling. what i'd really like to know more than anything is what did i do in one of my past lives that racked up this much negative karma because i can't seem to get out from under the weight of it all.

i'm trying to be positive. to regain self confidence and love. it is immensely difficult. damn. hurt.