The inconsistency of things is tiring. Haven't been able to sleep well in weeks. And there is this nagging head/chest cold that I just can't kick. Bad news came for me this week and it could in actuality be the second of the third thing to come (assuming that bad things really do happen in threes). It is disappointing to feel like I have made progress only then to suddenly feel like I've taken 10 steps backward. How do we let people get such a strong hold on us?
Keeping busy is best. And trying to not resist the now. Acceptance of what is is crucial in order for me to remain collected. It's just easier said than done sometimes.
It seems people like to misuse words, language. That is unfortunate to me. Instead of just listening and absorbing what one is saying, we must pick apart, criticize and question their sincerity. I must be less trusting but not completely cynical. Balance is the key, need to figure it out. I am not always the one in the wrong, yet I seek out the responsibility for it. Have to stop punishing myself for other's choices.
I am glad Eduardo is no longer suffering, he did for so long. He was such a sweet, funny man. I am happy to have had him in my life. Love to him always.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Lost
It has been a while since I've posted anything new. I don't know how much actual progress, if any, I've made in this time.
Yesterday I awoke with a sense of... acceptance. I felt as though I had begun to let go of things that I've been holding onto, allowing them to plague with me with all sorts of negativity. But today, I am not so sure if that acceptance is still here. Sometimes it feels as though I have to kick so hard to stay above the surface.
I'm trying to focus on other things. Remembering to be thankful. Trying to surround myself with good people and things. Like I've said before, it's a process. Sometimes the direction we travel in is backwards. Thinking seriously about going somewhere, maybe going to teach English or going to stay on an organic farm somewhere. I believe I need to just do something outside of my comfort zone. I'd like to go on a date, never have. No one to do that with. I would like to read more. And I want to go to a museum, see some art.
On another positive note; I am going somewhere this weekend. Derek is taking me somewhere, I think for my birthday. Don't know where or what we'll be doing. But it will be nice to do something different and hang with him. Something to look forward to. Maybe the break will help me find my way back to betterment.
Yesterday I awoke with a sense of... acceptance. I felt as though I had begun to let go of things that I've been holding onto, allowing them to plague with me with all sorts of negativity. But today, I am not so sure if that acceptance is still here. Sometimes it feels as though I have to kick so hard to stay above the surface.
I'm trying to focus on other things. Remembering to be thankful. Trying to surround myself with good people and things. Like I've said before, it's a process. Sometimes the direction we travel in is backwards. Thinking seriously about going somewhere, maybe going to teach English or going to stay on an organic farm somewhere. I believe I need to just do something outside of my comfort zone. I'd like to go on a date, never have. No one to do that with. I would like to read more. And I want to go to a museum, see some art.
On another positive note; I am going somewhere this weekend. Derek is taking me somewhere, I think for my birthday. Don't know where or what we'll be doing. But it will be nice to do something different and hang with him. Something to look forward to. Maybe the break will help me find my way back to betterment.
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