A New Earth

I am reading this book by Eckhart Tolle called, A New Earth- Awakening to Your Life's Purpose. It is really interesting. It's all about separating our egos from our true selves. 


I've talked a lot about where I know I need to go from here. And I believe that repeating it to myself , will help me to get there. But as I experienced last night, these things are still so much easier said than done. The grip I have allowed others to have on me and my emotions is just silly. I really have to reformat my way of thinking so that I do not rely so much on the word of others. Instead I need to rely and react to their actions. I need to realize that I am there in some people's eyes to serve them, to give them what they need when they seek it. It has no significance relating to the fact that it is ME who is there giving them what they need. I just happened to be available. It seems most people function this way. It's disappointing.


I feel that I recognize amazing things in others, but perhaps I just see their potential before they are ready to recognize it for themselves. Because of this, I am left behind and hurt myself. This is what I need to take control of, get in charge of how I handle myself. Stop giving myself away and prevent myself from feeling less than because of other people. 


Like I said...it's a process. 

A New Leaf

The past three days have been full of reflection and realization. In talking with a few friends from different times in my life about the same thing, I see now where I need to go from here. And part of me is relieved that I am not alone in feeling what I feel in where I currently am.

The time has come for me to build myself up. I must value myself more than I value others. No longer will I allow myself to be taken advantage of and walked all over again and again because of my caring nature. To find happiness I must make it for myself first. I know these things. Now, I must just figure out how to make it happen. I've started a book I am hoping will help, 'A New Earth'.

It will be difficult, it will take time, but it starts now. There will be times when I fall down a few rungs on this ladder to new heights but as long as I don't stop climbing I'll be alright. It will require constant reminders to myself- no one will value me the way I want to be valued if I don't value myself in that way first. You can apply this to anything if you replace the word 'value' with something else. Still, I'll treat others the way I want to be treated but if it is not reciprocated I refuse to allow the mistreatment to continue. In the end, I'm the one left hurting. I am forgiving and patient with those I cherish- and that's okay, but there comes a time when I just have to let go. Letting go is something that is incredibly problematic for me. However, in order for me to survive, I MUST learn to do it. 

I'm paving the way for others to make an effort on my behalf instead of it always being the other way around. I want to be happy. I will work for it. And I will eventually find it. Those who are around me will be happier because of that happiness. So really, it is a Win Win situation. 

My turn has come.

Weird Ways

Just tired of trying to make sense of things. Why is it so difficult to change one's thought process? I try to not care or react the way I always have but no matter what I do, I can't seem to change it. Either way the outcome is the same.

I miss my Otis. I want to do the right thing. I need to be positive. I want to be appreciated. Feel like I want to be needed. I don't want to be dispensable. I know I'm worthy of these things. 

No Way To Measure

Things are never as they seem, are they?


I have become so incredibly exhausted by this constant repeating of nonsense. I give up. I just want to sleep my life away. I feel as though I've been crashing to the Earth in slow motion; initial impact has occurred and now I'm bouncing back down again- I hope it will end soon. Waiting for the dust to settle seems to take ages when more dust is continually being stirred up. Can't seem to catch up. 


Perception changes everything. It redefines what we think and feel and sets us apart from everyone else. Interesting thing it is. How does one even define perception? A view point, a measurement, an opinion. Changes the solidity of what we think we know. Provoking me to always ask questions, find no suitable answers and then proceed to try and not think about it any further (not an easy task). 


Those damn circles! They're everywhere! 


I wish I didn't need you, any of you. I just want to be self - reliant like I used to be. Maybe I never was. I spend so much of my time trying to live inside other people because when I am alone with me I don't know what to do. It's pathetic. One day I will get there...I hope. The in between time is what gets me.