Almost been here a week now. It's been...relaxing. The weather has been warm and breezy, sometimes cloudy. The sound of crickets and frogs, the nearby train and the wind in the trees is so refreshing in the evening.
My grandparents decided to partake in my vegetarian lifestyle while i'm here in the effort to lose weight and be more healthy. I've been on them about drinking enough fluids (water), getting enough excercise (been riding bikes!) and eating better. (They are so surprised by my vegetarian food and how good it is- hah!)
I am glad to be away and spending time here with them and my cousins, uncles and aunt. But since i've been away i've come to realize that my past hurt has left me damaged in ways i have greatly feared. It is unfortunately a line of dominoes- one impacting the next and on and on until the entire thing is ruined. I sabotage myself so easily. I've become paralyzed by fear. *sigh*
Mom says practice will get me out of this state of mind- practice will help me to right myself and control my fears again. Even though I know she's right, I'm still not quite sure what all 'practice' entails. I guess we'll see.
California is so beautiful. There are green trees, colorful flowers and vines all over everything. It is something i simply love.
Happy Earth Day to all.
Friday, April 22, 2011
Thursday, April 14, 2011
no sir, i don't like it.
*sigh* back in Phoenix. Thankfully it's only for a short time. It is great to see my friends but just being here puts me on edge and in a frame of mind I was glad to leave behind. I must admit that even with the stirring up of bad things, I generally am feeling better since I was here last.
I really dislike the grayed out blue sky and lack of starlight in the evening. Boo.
BUT- Colleen polished all of my silver jewelry today after lunch! How i sparkle! She is amazing. Derek made me dinner and gave me home brews to drink (sweet!).
Spending tomorrow with previously mentioned favorites and finishing it off with my oldest friend. 21 years is a crazy amount of time. And yet, sometimes the measurement of time doesn't mean much at all.
Excitement is building for California and to be in the comfort of my Gramma's house again. Not looking forward to the 10 hour drive all by myself.
I really dislike the grayed out blue sky and lack of starlight in the evening. Boo.
BUT- Colleen polished all of my silver jewelry today after lunch! How i sparkle! She is amazing. Derek made me dinner and gave me home brews to drink (sweet!).
Spending tomorrow with previously mentioned favorites and finishing it off with my oldest friend. 21 years is a crazy amount of time. And yet, sometimes the measurement of time doesn't mean much at all.
Excitement is building for California and to be in the comfort of my Gramma's house again. Not looking forward to the 10 hour drive all by myself.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
road trip
Tomorrow I will depart Tucson to head to Phoenix to check in with a few folks and then by Saturday I'll be on my way to my Grandparents' house in the place of my birth; Merced/Atwater in the great state of California.
I'm looking forward to being in California, especially so close to summer. It brings back memories of my childhood spending months there in the sunshine with my Gramma and cousins, eating watermelon and strawberries. Picking blackberries and making pie with them. Getting into arguments with my Grandpa who is such a pain in the ass, even after all these years. I haven't spent much time there in the last 10 years so I am really looking forward to going for an extended period. I am bringing my bike so that my grandparents and I can ride and I'm planning on keeping them busy with yoga videos and exercise. Hopefully I can convince my Gramma to let me cook some of our meals. I am looking forward to being there but I am also hesitant to leave. Things seem to just be sprouting here and I am fearful that I may be leaving at the wrong time...it will only be a month a half. I will return before Mom's 50th birthday on the 2nd of June (wow!).
The trees are turning bright green and the cactus are blooming after that bad freeze here in February. It is so pretty.
...like cybidium orchids, pale green ones. <3
I'm looking forward to being in California, especially so close to summer. It brings back memories of my childhood spending months there in the sunshine with my Gramma and cousins, eating watermelon and strawberries. Picking blackberries and making pie with them. Getting into arguments with my Grandpa who is such a pain in the ass, even after all these years. I haven't spent much time there in the last 10 years so I am really looking forward to going for an extended period. I am bringing my bike so that my grandparents and I can ride and I'm planning on keeping them busy with yoga videos and exercise. Hopefully I can convince my Gramma to let me cook some of our meals. I am looking forward to being there but I am also hesitant to leave. Things seem to just be sprouting here and I am fearful that I may be leaving at the wrong time...it will only be a month a half. I will return before Mom's 50th birthday on the 2nd of June (wow!).
The trees are turning bright green and the cactus are blooming after that bad freeze here in February. It is so pretty.
...like cybidium orchids, pale green ones. <3
Thursday, April 7, 2011
It begins...
Of course as soon as I prepared my first ever blog entry, the wifi card in my recently acquired laptop died. Still need to get it repaired.
I feel like like the trunk of me has been split into different directions. Weathered and worn smooth; I've lost some of the strength that keeps me standing sturdy and still. Sometimes I forget how to hold myself up.
It's rained a few times here and I've truly enjoyed that. Spring is here and Summer is coming. I wonder how long it will take for new life to flow again in these old limbs.
The way things come together and fall apart is really interesting. I try not to question the permanence of new developments but it is sort of against my nature to not over think it. It is scary and so very simple at the same time. Learning to heal takes such a long time; especially when you can't completely identify all of the things or areas that need to be repaired or restored. It's really fucking silly but I still strive to make everything make sense...Oh well.
I need some coffee.
I feel like like the trunk of me has been split into different directions. Weathered and worn smooth; I've lost some of the strength that keeps me standing sturdy and still. Sometimes I forget how to hold myself up.
It's rained a few times here and I've truly enjoyed that. Spring is here and Summer is coming. I wonder how long it will take for new life to flow again in these old limbs.
The way things come together and fall apart is really interesting. I try not to question the permanence of new developments but it is sort of against my nature to not over think it. It is scary and so very simple at the same time. Learning to heal takes such a long time; especially when you can't completely identify all of the things or areas that need to be repaired or restored. It's really fucking silly but I still strive to make everything make sense...Oh well.
I need some coffee.
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