Planning is Pointless

Since I've been house sitting quite a lot over this past month, I've not been home much at all. 

Last week (between 2 sitting gigs) friends of mine had an unexpected medical emergency and I spent three days at their house helping get their two small girls to school and home, cook meals, clean etc. The youngest brother of said friends also lives with them so I was taking him to school and back daily as well. On top of that, these friends' watch another woman's child (age 2) while her mother is at work. It was exhausting. It offered further evidence that I DO NOT desire to be a mother and in any case I'd be bad one. I have so much more respect for my friend and her motherly skills- to handle what she does everyday by herself- three small children and a 15 year old, while managing to keep the house standing AND be a student at the same time...amazing. Simply amazing. It is also, in a way, to me, kind of sad. She hardly has any time for herself as now her daily routine has become the welfare of so many others. Maybe that sounds selfish. And I'm sure she doesn't think of it this way- I don't know.

I've got two more sitting gigs added to my calender. A friend of mind is drawing me a picture that I can use on business cards I want to get printed. Looking forward to that.  

Also, I really want to try and be more active. I feel I am not as healthy as I could be, often tired and then guilty for not having done more. Hopefully I can maintain the drive to pay more attention to the food I ingest and make more health conscious decisions. Not that I don't believe I am pretty healthy to begin with, but there is usually room for improvement. Starting today with workout class at 5pm!

Quiz tonight. 2nd Anniversary for Geeks at Congress. Should be a huge turnout and big fun. Won a free pizza last week, but will probably have to redeem it the following one. Free food is always welcome in my book! Especially GOOD free food. Empire Pizza rocks. 

...Always I talk about things I'd like, or want or don't want and 9 times out of 10 none of those things ever come to fruition. Am I just lazy or unmotivated?

What's the deal?

I don't understand the motives of people most of the time. Or rather I do, but I can't sympathize or relate. I believe myself to be an observant person. Something just isn't the same lately with a good friend.
And isn't is always the same? You think you know someone...
Do we ever really know anyone? Ourselves even?
When do we stop expecting people to mean what they say? And if someone is upset or whatever with you or at you, as your friend, shouldn't they just come out and tell you? I hate the beating around the bush shit.

I love spending time with people I care about. But more and more I'm finding I just want to do things that sometimes tend to keep me by myself. I'm lonely. But I feel that I will continue to spend more time alone. Like, right now, all I want to do is read Harry Potter and drink beer. Tuesday, the rest of my people bailed on me for quiz, so I went and played by myself. No, it wasn't as fun. Better than sitting at home though I think?

Frustrated at what is currently unknown.

First, Michelle Obama gave an amazing speech last night. Made my eyes wet. Interesting and intense time we live in for sure.

I just want to make stuff. I wish I knew how to make cool things, or had the means. That's all I'd do I think. 

Must get some stuff done around the house today- need to do something active. I've been in my head too much the last few days. Needless to say it's been less than fun. Supposed to meet a friend later tonight for a game night. I'm hoping that goes well and I have a break from my...state of mind. Tomorrow I'm also going to do a hang and focus at the theater. At least I'll have something to keep me busy and make a little extra monies at the same time. 

The foster dog makes me keep a constant eye on him. He likes to cause trouble. Because he's a little dog, he always wants to be touching me or be in my lap. I just don't like that all the time. More of a big dog person myself. Still love them, but yeah. 

House sitting, Harry Potter and heavy thoughts?

It seems the few, but small, attempts I've made to change things for myself in a major way have not worked out. But at the moment, that is alright. I've landed 4 house sitting gigs (the first of which I am currently carrying out). All while bringing me back, yet again to Phoenix.

The internet went out at the house though, I haven't been able to get it back up and running. It's weird without it, even though I'm used to not having it at home. Usually I just pandora on or something. So anyway, I had to come to starbucks. 

All day yesterday I watched Harry Potter movies and felt completely cut off from life outside of those films. The all HP Geeks Who Drink quiz is coming up, so I'm trying to brush up. Also re-reading the fifth book, one that I always particularly favored. 

The small foster dog at the house chewed through one of my flip flops while I was in the shower- blarg to that. I'll have to go get a new pair somewhere. I sure as hell do not want to wear shoes the rest of the time I'm here.

I know it seems strange, especially coming from me of all people, but more and more I just keep thinking that there is no 'end goal'. That doesn't really convey what I mean. But, this all could just end, today, tomorrow, in a month. Can't really look forward to anything or something 'getting better' or 'finally happening' in the future. Just gotta try to enjoy today. It sounds so cliche and we've all heard it a million times, but I think maybe it's finally sinking in for me. Or i'm finally understanding it for the first time? I don't know. But I just don't feel like I have the patience or desire to deal with shit anymore. I want to laugh and enjoy things and try to hold on to some happiness...because I feel I've allowed it to evade me for too long. And it's ultimately up to me to embrace it and let it in... I think maybe I'm ready...