House sitting, Harry Potter and heavy thoughts?

It seems the few, but small, attempts I've made to change things for myself in a major way have not worked out. But at the moment, that is alright. I've landed 4 house sitting gigs (the first of which I am currently carrying out). All while bringing me back, yet again to Phoenix.

The internet went out at the house though, I haven't been able to get it back up and running. It's weird without it, even though I'm used to not having it at home. Usually I just pandora on or something. So anyway, I had to come to starbucks. 

All day yesterday I watched Harry Potter movies and felt completely cut off from life outside of those films. The all HP Geeks Who Drink quiz is coming up, so I'm trying to brush up. Also re-reading the fifth book, one that I always particularly favored. 

The small foster dog at the house chewed through one of my flip flops while I was in the shower- blarg to that. I'll have to go get a new pair somewhere. I sure as hell do not want to wear shoes the rest of the time I'm here.

I know it seems strange, especially coming from me of all people, but more and more I just keep thinking that there is no 'end goal'. That doesn't really convey what I mean. But, this all could just end, today, tomorrow, in a month. Can't really look forward to anything or something 'getting better' or 'finally happening' in the future. Just gotta try to enjoy today. It sounds so cliche and we've all heard it a million times, but I think maybe it's finally sinking in for me. Or i'm finally understanding it for the first time? I don't know. But I just don't feel like I have the patience or desire to deal with shit anymore. I want to laugh and enjoy things and try to hold on to some happiness...because I feel I've allowed it to evade me for too long. And it's ultimately up to me to embrace it and let it in... I think maybe I'm ready...

A pause

Here it begins again with another night fallen, another day spent and me; alone sitting, slightly tipsy and crying while watching a comedic film. 

I've been told I'm just too sensitive. Yeah, that must be it. 

It's the way things are you know. The way things just, touch me...I can't find the right words to explain what it does to me, or why. 

There is this desire to be productive all the time, to accomplish things, to cross things off the list. Where does it come from? I have no other driving force pushing me anywhere yet there is a disappointment when I come to the middle of a day and I have yet to finish anything. 

Needless to say, it's enjoyable to finish a project. To complete a task. To be useful. I'd really like to be useful. I believe this is another reason why I wanted to be an actress for so long. Pathetic really.

Many Months

I've thought about writing updates to this blog countless times over the past ten months but didn't for I feared they had all begun to sound the same. In which case the meaning or purpose simply dissolves. On top of that, what did I really have to say? But here I am, giving it another go, the results of which I hope are something a bit, if not completely different.

The past several months have taken me to Phoenix and back, Washington DC, San Diego and Portland Oregon. Going back to the Herberger gave me the opportunity to not only work again, but work in an environment where I was appreciated and useful. Because of this, I was able to leave on a positive note and a more fulfilled one versus the leaving I did before a year and a half ago. 

House/pet sitting has become somewhat of a staple of my life over the last year. In fact, I am participating in such activities as I type today. It's been a good thing. 

Recently I visited Krysta in Portland, seeing her for the first time in 6 years. And it was awesome. There is a connection between us that is refreshing yet familiar and it felt good to be near her again. Relocating to Portland is a possibility that has presented itself since my visit and I am currently waiting to hear from a possible employer. We'll see, I haven't made any concrete plans at all.

Have been seeing faces from over a decade ago. It's been an interesting and fun revisiting. 

Overall, I'm feeling much better. And I am so incredibly thankful for that. It is difficult to explain. But relief is definitely present here. 

Autumn

Familiar faces fall away like leaves with the turning weather. Is everyone stuck on such a temporary state of mind? Can nothing be found in the solidity of my trunk or strength of my roots to inspire one to hang on, even through the changing seasons? There are a few reoccuring blooms, that emerge in the spring and flourish in the summer. But I'm barren in the months before then. My bark is riddled with symbols and initials forever recording a moment in time most likely forgotton by those who carved it. A fleeting moment of theirs that I am given to carry with me always. A space for rest, respite, reflection and stillness. But never permanent. Such is the life of a tree.

A Revisiting

I pulled out my art things last night in order to make something for the first time in a long time. I was actually excited about it. But then, sometime in the middle of it all, I became extremely sad. No reason really, none I could place blame on. It kind of kicked my ass though. I eventually finished what I was working on, emotionally and physically tired. There are things I don't understand, about all things, that emotional attack was one of them. 


There are lots of birthdays coming up and this is part of the inspiration to use my art supplies. I used to make cards a lot. Haven't in a very long time.


Mom has been gone since Friday night. With me being sick, it has been extremely lonely at the house by myself. Made a big 'to-do' list for today but didn't get too far on it at all.


Went to starbucks after trivia tonight and the ladies behind the counter gave me my coffee for free. They said they liked my Monkees box and t-shirt. Pretty sweet. 


Fall is approaching quickly and I can't get enough of the rain we've been having. It is beautiful outside right now. I want to walk but am hesitant to go alone given the time of night...unfortunate really. Still I find myself in constant  amazement at the rapid passage of time. Soon it will be time for pumpkin beer. At least that is something to look forward to. :)

September

Considering the Peace Corps. Need to do some research. A little apprehensive of the time commitment. But I think it would be something I would really enjoy. 


However, I was randomly offered a job from a friend of a friend. Figuring that out tomorrow. Nothing I've done before or ever wanted to do but it will be good to just do something to earn some money a bit. Need to get some income to keep up with bills. 


I'm home alone a lot these days. Mom has found herself a girlfriend. Met her for the first time briefly tonight.  She seems really nice and Mom speaks highly of her. I'm happy she is happy. She deserves a person who is as giving as she is.


I thought the news I received at the time of my last entry was troubling- well it just got worse. I've had a difficult time with it. It is the kind of thing that affects you in a way you don't quite expect or understand. I do feel better a bit since the information has had time to absorb into my brain. It is strange to look at a person from angles both closeup and far away, and to see how they've changed in certain ways and yet, how they remain mostly the same. It makes me wonder how much I've changed, if I even have enough to be noticed.  


We all crave physical attention, especially from the object of our affection. Sometimes I worry about putting myself in a situation that will be harmful to me later. Trying to still live in the now and not worry so much about the future as to miss out on what is happening in front of me. It is tricky to try and find that balance. Everything comes down to balance. Said it before, probably will say it again and again.


September already. I can't believe how fast this last year has gone. I can't even tell you what I've done with myself in the last 6 months. Getting older. That's what I'm doing. Worrying too much, not living enough. Time flies faster and faster every year. Just a few months shy of Otis being gone a year. I miss him so much. Especially when I wake in the middle of night and find myself alone in my room. 

Slump

The inconsistency of things is tiring. Haven't been able to sleep well in weeks. And there is this nagging head/chest cold that I just can't kick. Bad news came for me this week and it could in actuality be the second of the third thing to come (assuming that bad things really do happen in threes). It is disappointing to feel like I have made progress only then to suddenly feel like I've taken 10 steps backward. How do we let people get such a strong hold on us? 


Keeping busy is best. And trying to not resist the now. Acceptance of what is is crucial in order for me to remain collected. It's just easier said than done sometimes. 


It seems people like to misuse words, language. That is unfortunate to me. Instead of just listening and absorbing what one is saying, we must pick apart, criticize and question their sincerity. I must be less trusting but not completely cynical. Balance is the key, need to figure it out. I am not always the one in the wrong, yet I seek out the responsibility for it. Have to stop punishing myself for other's choices. 


I am glad Eduardo is no longer suffering, he did for so long. He was such a sweet, funny man. I am happy to have had him in my life. Love to him always.