Daily Grind

Been working at the flower shop where I had my first job while a senior in high school for almost a month now. I really enjoy it. Some of the same people are still there, ten years later, and that has been awesome too. Feeling good to be working again, especially in a place that I like instead of just a place to make income.

There is a girl working there in the afternoons, Renee, who happens to be a senior in high school this year. She and I have hit it off, she reminds me of me. We're both stuck in a time warp. 

Still quizzing, which never gets old to me, and going to shows. Looking forward to December 5th, my heterolifemate will be playing her first show with her new band in Phoenix and I've made plans to go. Should be a great time!

Thanksgiving was fun, filled with friends, food and boozey drinks. I am happy these days. There is much happening. I deserve this. 

Going for a bike ride later, making veggie tacos and then quiz. It will be a good day.

Stand firm

I am not here to please anyone but myself. And although that is admittedly, a struggle and perhaps selfish sounding, it is the only thing that really matters. Ultimately, I'm the only thing I will always have. While I know that the people closest to me have only my best interests at heart and I am forever thankful for that, I am the only one to walk in my own shoes. I don't need to defend my reasoning to anyone. I'm not going to tolerate behavior from friends that goes against any way I would ever treat them. It's not that I suddenly don't care anymore, but I want better than that. 

Honestly, I don't feel like I function the way most people do. But that's just who I am. Caring to a fault. But I know I deserve great things. We all do, really. But, you gotta give in order to get. 

On a completely different note; I am somewhat under the weather. Feel totally wiped out. Sleeping has been difficult for me, even more so than usual. Still house sitting. But between the early rising dogs and the changing weather my body seems to be lacking the proper weapons to fight whatever this is. Plans for the day include: sit, sleep (hopefully) and mayhaps viewing materials to soothe my soul ie: the x-files etc.

The middle finger

Okay, never, is it ever okay to tell your friend 'Fuck you' because you're upset/pissed about something and you want to take it out on them. Especially when the only thing they are trying to do is offer up a shoulder or an ear. If you don't want to talk, then straight up say so instead of being so ridiculously rude. It's unacceptable behavior. How old are we? 12? Grow the fuck up. No one needs a 'friend' like you.

Annnnnnd, END SCENE!

Hmm

In certain situations I'm never sure how to be.  

Friends of mine tell me I crush on celebrities because it's safe, I subconsciously know no harm can come to me from my feelings for these unknowables. Prior to this, I hadn't really considered this as a reason, I really wasn't searching for any kind of explanation at all. But what I'm now questioning, is, if I somehow seek out people in my real life that only will hurt me. Why is this? 

I mean, we all know someone who is also attracted to shitty people right? Or just always ends up in shitty situations, with anything. I have never been one of these people. But I am starting to wonder if I somehow have become one...

Over thinking things never brings me anything good.

Planning is Pointless

Since I've been house sitting quite a lot over this past month, I've not been home much at all. 

Last week (between 2 sitting gigs) friends of mine had an unexpected medical emergency and I spent three days at their house helping get their two small girls to school and home, cook meals, clean etc. The youngest brother of said friends also lives with them so I was taking him to school and back daily as well. On top of that, these friends' watch another woman's child (age 2) while her mother is at work. It was exhausting. It offered further evidence that I DO NOT desire to be a mother and in any case I'd be bad one. I have so much more respect for my friend and her motherly skills- to handle what she does everyday by herself- three small children and a 15 year old, while managing to keep the house standing AND be a student at the same time...amazing. Simply amazing. It is also, in a way, to me, kind of sad. She hardly has any time for herself as now her daily routine has become the welfare of so many others. Maybe that sounds selfish. And I'm sure she doesn't think of it this way- I don't know.

I've got two more sitting gigs added to my calender. A friend of mind is drawing me a picture that I can use on business cards I want to get printed. Looking forward to that.  

Also, I really want to try and be more active. I feel I am not as healthy as I could be, often tired and then guilty for not having done more. Hopefully I can maintain the drive to pay more attention to the food I ingest and make more health conscious decisions. Not that I don't believe I am pretty healthy to begin with, but there is usually room for improvement. Starting today with workout class at 5pm!

Quiz tonight. 2nd Anniversary for Geeks at Congress. Should be a huge turnout and big fun. Won a free pizza last week, but will probably have to redeem it the following one. Free food is always welcome in my book! Especially GOOD free food. Empire Pizza rocks. 

...Always I talk about things I'd like, or want or don't want and 9 times out of 10 none of those things ever come to fruition. Am I just lazy or unmotivated?

What's the deal?

I don't understand the motives of people most of the time. Or rather I do, but I can't sympathize or relate. I believe myself to be an observant person. Something just isn't the same lately with a good friend.
And isn't is always the same? You think you know someone...
Do we ever really know anyone? Ourselves even?
When do we stop expecting people to mean what they say? And if someone is upset or whatever with you or at you, as your friend, shouldn't they just come out and tell you? I hate the beating around the bush shit.

I love spending time with people I care about. But more and more I'm finding I just want to do things that sometimes tend to keep me by myself. I'm lonely. But I feel that I will continue to spend more time alone. Like, right now, all I want to do is read Harry Potter and drink beer. Tuesday, the rest of my people bailed on me for quiz, so I went and played by myself. No, it wasn't as fun. Better than sitting at home though I think?

Frustrated at what is currently unknown.

First, Michelle Obama gave an amazing speech last night. Made my eyes wet. Interesting and intense time we live in for sure.

I just want to make stuff. I wish I knew how to make cool things, or had the means. That's all I'd do I think. 

Must get some stuff done around the house today- need to do something active. I've been in my head too much the last few days. Needless to say it's been less than fun. Supposed to meet a friend later tonight for a game night. I'm hoping that goes well and I have a break from my...state of mind. Tomorrow I'm also going to do a hang and focus at the theater. At least I'll have something to keep me busy and make a little extra monies at the same time. 

The foster dog makes me keep a constant eye on him. He likes to cause trouble. Because he's a little dog, he always wants to be touching me or be in my lap. I just don't like that all the time. More of a big dog person myself. Still love them, but yeah. 

House sitting, Harry Potter and heavy thoughts?

It seems the few, but small, attempts I've made to change things for myself in a major way have not worked out. But at the moment, that is alright. I've landed 4 house sitting gigs (the first of which I am currently carrying out). All while bringing me back, yet again to Phoenix.

The internet went out at the house though, I haven't been able to get it back up and running. It's weird without it, even though I'm used to not having it at home. Usually I just pandora on or something. So anyway, I had to come to starbucks. 

All day yesterday I watched Harry Potter movies and felt completely cut off from life outside of those films. The all HP Geeks Who Drink quiz is coming up, so I'm trying to brush up. Also re-reading the fifth book, one that I always particularly favored. 

The small foster dog at the house chewed through one of my flip flops while I was in the shower- blarg to that. I'll have to go get a new pair somewhere. I sure as hell do not want to wear shoes the rest of the time I'm here.

I know it seems strange, especially coming from me of all people, but more and more I just keep thinking that there is no 'end goal'. That doesn't really convey what I mean. But, this all could just end, today, tomorrow, in a month. Can't really look forward to anything or something 'getting better' or 'finally happening' in the future. Just gotta try to enjoy today. It sounds so cliche and we've all heard it a million times, but I think maybe it's finally sinking in for me. Or i'm finally understanding it for the first time? I don't know. But I just don't feel like I have the patience or desire to deal with shit anymore. I want to laugh and enjoy things and try to hold on to some happiness...because I feel I've allowed it to evade me for too long. And it's ultimately up to me to embrace it and let it in... I think maybe I'm ready...

A pause

Here it begins again with another night fallen, another day spent and me; alone sitting, slightly tipsy and crying while watching a comedic film. 

I've been told I'm just too sensitive. Yeah, that must be it. 

It's the way things are you know. The way things just, touch me...I can't find the right words to explain what it does to me, or why. 

There is this desire to be productive all the time, to accomplish things, to cross things off the list. Where does it come from? I have no other driving force pushing me anywhere yet there is a disappointment when I come to the middle of a day and I have yet to finish anything. 

Needless to say, it's enjoyable to finish a project. To complete a task. To be useful. I'd really like to be useful. I believe this is another reason why I wanted to be an actress for so long. Pathetic really.

Many Months

I've thought about writing updates to this blog countless times over the past ten months but didn't for I feared they had all begun to sound the same. In which case the meaning or purpose simply dissolves. On top of that, what did I really have to say? But here I am, giving it another go, the results of which I hope are something a bit, if not completely different.

The past several months have taken me to Phoenix and back, Washington DC, San Diego and Portland Oregon. Going back to the Herberger gave me the opportunity to not only work again, but work in an environment where I was appreciated and useful. Because of this, I was able to leave on a positive note and a more fulfilled one versus the leaving I did before a year and a half ago. 

House/pet sitting has become somewhat of a staple of my life over the last year. In fact, I am participating in such activities as I type today. It's been a good thing. 

Recently I visited Krysta in Portland, seeing her for the first time in 6 years. And it was awesome. There is a connection between us that is refreshing yet familiar and it felt good to be near her again. Relocating to Portland is a possibility that has presented itself since my visit and I am currently waiting to hear from a possible employer. We'll see, I haven't made any concrete plans at all.

Have been seeing faces from over a decade ago. It's been an interesting and fun revisiting. 

Overall, I'm feeling much better. And I am so incredibly thankful for that. It is difficult to explain. But relief is definitely present here.