Saturday, October 1, 2011
Autumn
Familiar faces fall away like leaves with the turning weather. Is everyone stuck on such a temporary state of mind? Can nothing be found in the solidity of my trunk or strength of my roots to inspire one to hang on, even through the changing seasons? There are a few reoccuring blooms, that emerge in the spring and flourish in the summer. But I'm barren in the months before then. My bark is riddled with symbols and initials forever recording a moment in time most likely forgotton by those who carved it. A fleeting moment of theirs that I am given to carry with me always. A space for rest, respite, reflection and stillness. But never permanent. Such is the life of a tree.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
A Revisiting
I pulled out my art things last night in order to make something for the first time in a long time. I was actually excited about it. But then, sometime in the middle of it all, I became extremely sad. No reason really, none I could place blame on. It kind of kicked my ass though. I eventually finished what I was working on, emotionally and physically tired. There are things I don't understand, about all things, that emotional attack was one of them.
There are lots of birthdays coming up and this is part of the inspiration to use my art supplies. I used to make cards a lot. Haven't in a very long time.
Mom has been gone since Friday night. With me being sick, it has been extremely lonely at the house by myself. Made a big 'to-do' list for today but didn't get too far on it at all.
Went to starbucks after trivia tonight and the ladies behind the counter gave me my coffee for free. They said they liked my Monkees box and t-shirt. Pretty sweet.
Fall is approaching quickly and I can't get enough of the rain we've been having. It is beautiful outside right now. I want to walk but am hesitant to go alone given the time of night...unfortunate really. Still I find myself in constant amazement at the rapid passage of time. Soon it will be time for pumpkin beer. At least that is something to look forward to. :)
There are lots of birthdays coming up and this is part of the inspiration to use my art supplies. I used to make cards a lot. Haven't in a very long time.
Mom has been gone since Friday night. With me being sick, it has been extremely lonely at the house by myself. Made a big 'to-do' list for today but didn't get too far on it at all.
Went to starbucks after trivia tonight and the ladies behind the counter gave me my coffee for free. They said they liked my Monkees box and t-shirt. Pretty sweet.
Fall is approaching quickly and I can't get enough of the rain we've been having. It is beautiful outside right now. I want to walk but am hesitant to go alone given the time of night...unfortunate really. Still I find myself in constant amazement at the rapid passage of time. Soon it will be time for pumpkin beer. At least that is something to look forward to. :)
Friday, September 9, 2011
September
Considering the Peace Corps. Need to do some research. A little apprehensive of the time commitment. But I think it would be something I would really enjoy.
However, I was randomly offered a job from a friend of a friend. Figuring that out tomorrow. Nothing I've done before or ever wanted to do but it will be good to just do something to earn some money a bit. Need to get some income to keep up with bills.
I'm home alone a lot these days. Mom has found herself a girlfriend. Met her for the first time briefly tonight. She seems really nice and Mom speaks highly of her. I'm happy she is happy. She deserves a person who is as giving as she is.
I thought the news I received at the time of my last entry was troubling- well it just got worse. I've had a difficult time with it. It is the kind of thing that affects you in a way you don't quite expect or understand. I do feel better a bit since the information has had time to absorb into my brain. It is strange to look at a person from angles both closeup and far away, and to see how they've changed in certain ways and yet, how they remain mostly the same. It makes me wonder how much I've changed, if I even have enough to be noticed.
We all crave physical attention, especially from the object of our affection. Sometimes I worry about putting myself in a situation that will be harmful to me later. Trying to still live in the now and not worry so much about the future as to miss out on what is happening in front of me. It is tricky to try and find that balance. Everything comes down to balance. Said it before, probably will say it again and again.
September already. I can't believe how fast this last year has gone. I can't even tell you what I've done with myself in the last 6 months. Getting older. That's what I'm doing. Worrying too much, not living enough. Time flies faster and faster every year. Just a few months shy of Otis being gone a year. I miss him so much. Especially when I wake in the middle of night and find myself alone in my room.
However, I was randomly offered a job from a friend of a friend. Figuring that out tomorrow. Nothing I've done before or ever wanted to do but it will be good to just do something to earn some money a bit. Need to get some income to keep up with bills.
I'm home alone a lot these days. Mom has found herself a girlfriend. Met her for the first time briefly tonight. She seems really nice and Mom speaks highly of her. I'm happy she is happy. She deserves a person who is as giving as she is.
I thought the news I received at the time of my last entry was troubling- well it just got worse. I've had a difficult time with it. It is the kind of thing that affects you in a way you don't quite expect or understand. I do feel better a bit since the information has had time to absorb into my brain. It is strange to look at a person from angles both closeup and far away, and to see how they've changed in certain ways and yet, how they remain mostly the same. It makes me wonder how much I've changed, if I even have enough to be noticed.
We all crave physical attention, especially from the object of our affection. Sometimes I worry about putting myself in a situation that will be harmful to me later. Trying to still live in the now and not worry so much about the future as to miss out on what is happening in front of me. It is tricky to try and find that balance. Everything comes down to balance. Said it before, probably will say it again and again.
September already. I can't believe how fast this last year has gone. I can't even tell you what I've done with myself in the last 6 months. Getting older. That's what I'm doing. Worrying too much, not living enough. Time flies faster and faster every year. Just a few months shy of Otis being gone a year. I miss him so much. Especially when I wake in the middle of night and find myself alone in my room.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Slump
The inconsistency of things is tiring. Haven't been able to sleep well in weeks. And there is this nagging head/chest cold that I just can't kick. Bad news came for me this week and it could in actuality be the second of the third thing to come (assuming that bad things really do happen in threes). It is disappointing to feel like I have made progress only then to suddenly feel like I've taken 10 steps backward. How do we let people get such a strong hold on us?
Keeping busy is best. And trying to not resist the now. Acceptance of what is is crucial in order for me to remain collected. It's just easier said than done sometimes.
It seems people like to misuse words, language. That is unfortunate to me. Instead of just listening and absorbing what one is saying, we must pick apart, criticize and question their sincerity. I must be less trusting but not completely cynical. Balance is the key, need to figure it out. I am not always the one in the wrong, yet I seek out the responsibility for it. Have to stop punishing myself for other's choices.
I am glad Eduardo is no longer suffering, he did for so long. He was such a sweet, funny man. I am happy to have had him in my life. Love to him always.
Keeping busy is best. And trying to not resist the now. Acceptance of what is is crucial in order for me to remain collected. It's just easier said than done sometimes.
It seems people like to misuse words, language. That is unfortunate to me. Instead of just listening and absorbing what one is saying, we must pick apart, criticize and question their sincerity. I must be less trusting but not completely cynical. Balance is the key, need to figure it out. I am not always the one in the wrong, yet I seek out the responsibility for it. Have to stop punishing myself for other's choices.
I am glad Eduardo is no longer suffering, he did for so long. He was such a sweet, funny man. I am happy to have had him in my life. Love to him always.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Lost
It has been a while since I've posted anything new. I don't know how much actual progress, if any, I've made in this time.
Yesterday I awoke with a sense of... acceptance. I felt as though I had begun to let go of things that I've been holding onto, allowing them to plague with me with all sorts of negativity. But today, I am not so sure if that acceptance is still here. Sometimes it feels as though I have to kick so hard to stay above the surface.
I'm trying to focus on other things. Remembering to be thankful. Trying to surround myself with good people and things. Like I've said before, it's a process. Sometimes the direction we travel in is backwards. Thinking seriously about going somewhere, maybe going to teach English or going to stay on an organic farm somewhere. I believe I need to just do something outside of my comfort zone. I'd like to go on a date, never have. No one to do that with. I would like to read more. And I want to go to a museum, see some art.
On another positive note; I am going somewhere this weekend. Derek is taking me somewhere, I think for my birthday. Don't know where or what we'll be doing. But it will be nice to do something different and hang with him. Something to look forward to. Maybe the break will help me find my way back to betterment.
Yesterday I awoke with a sense of... acceptance. I felt as though I had begun to let go of things that I've been holding onto, allowing them to plague with me with all sorts of negativity. But today, I am not so sure if that acceptance is still here. Sometimes it feels as though I have to kick so hard to stay above the surface.
I'm trying to focus on other things. Remembering to be thankful. Trying to surround myself with good people and things. Like I've said before, it's a process. Sometimes the direction we travel in is backwards. Thinking seriously about going somewhere, maybe going to teach English or going to stay on an organic farm somewhere. I believe I need to just do something outside of my comfort zone. I'd like to go on a date, never have. No one to do that with. I would like to read more. And I want to go to a museum, see some art.
On another positive note; I am going somewhere this weekend. Derek is taking me somewhere, I think for my birthday. Don't know where or what we'll be doing. But it will be nice to do something different and hang with him. Something to look forward to. Maybe the break will help me find my way back to betterment.
Friday, July 1, 2011
July Already
I can't believe how fast the year has gone by. And already, another year of my life down. A really crappy one looking back. I am actually hoping that the beginning of a new year will bring me new things and hopefully, satisfaction in the things I do. I've made some big changes but there are many more left to be made. I want to feel excitement about them, not anxiety.
It is hard to measure slow progress. I suppose that simply being aware is the beginning of progress- the path toward it. And that's where i'm at, so, I'll take it.
Remembering to be thankful also helps. There are several things that I am thankful for and when I stop to remember them, it makes me feel better.
For example; my mom, my sister, trees, music, the ability to speak and to listen, remembering the way Otis used to sigh when he laid down to sleep, ruby red grapefruit, realizing I'm cherished by a friend, the moon, the ocean, turtles and tortoises, the x-files, to laugh.
I feel better now.
It is hard to measure slow progress. I suppose that simply being aware is the beginning of progress- the path toward it. And that's where i'm at, so, I'll take it.
Remembering to be thankful also helps. There are several things that I am thankful for and when I stop to remember them, it makes me feel better.
For example; my mom, my sister, trees, music, the ability to speak and to listen, remembering the way Otis used to sigh when he laid down to sleep, ruby red grapefruit, realizing I'm cherished by a friend, the moon, the ocean, turtles and tortoises, the x-files, to laugh.
I feel better now.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
A New Earth
I am reading this book by Eckhart Tolle called, A New Earth- Awakening to Your Life's Purpose. It is really interesting. It's all about separating our egos from our true selves.
I've talked a lot about where I know I need to go from here. And I believe that repeating it to myself , will help me to get there. But as I experienced last night, these things are still so much easier said than done. The grip I have allowed others to have on me and my emotions is just silly. I really have to reformat my way of thinking so that I do not rely so much on the word of others. Instead I need to rely and react to their actions. I need to realize that I am there in some people's eyes to serve them, to give them what they need when they seek it. It has no significance relating to the fact that it is ME who is there giving them what they need. I just happened to be available. It seems most people function this way. It's disappointing.
I feel that I recognize amazing things in others, but perhaps I just see their potential before they are ready to recognize it for themselves. Because of this, I am left behind and hurt myself. This is what I need to take control of, get in charge of how I handle myself. Stop giving myself away and prevent myself from feeling less than because of other people.
Like I said...it's a process.
I've talked a lot about where I know I need to go from here. And I believe that repeating it to myself , will help me to get there. But as I experienced last night, these things are still so much easier said than done. The grip I have allowed others to have on me and my emotions is just silly. I really have to reformat my way of thinking so that I do not rely so much on the word of others. Instead I need to rely and react to their actions. I need to realize that I am there in some people's eyes to serve them, to give them what they need when they seek it. It has no significance relating to the fact that it is ME who is there giving them what they need. I just happened to be available. It seems most people function this way. It's disappointing.
I feel that I recognize amazing things in others, but perhaps I just see their potential before they are ready to recognize it for themselves. Because of this, I am left behind and hurt myself. This is what I need to take control of, get in charge of how I handle myself. Stop giving myself away and prevent myself from feeling less than because of other people.
Like I said...it's a process.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
A New Leaf
The past three days have been full of reflection and realization. In talking with a few friends from different times in my life about the same thing, I see now where I need to go from here. And part of me is relieved that I am not alone in feeling what I feel in where I currently am.
The time has come for me to build myself up. I must value myself more than I value others. No longer will I allow myself to be taken advantage of and walked all over again and again because of my caring nature. To find happiness I must make it for myself first. I know these things. Now, I must just figure out how to make it happen. I've started a book I am hoping will help, 'A New Earth'.
It will be difficult, it will take time, but it starts now. There will be times when I fall down a few rungs on this ladder to new heights but as long as I don't stop climbing I'll be alright. It will require constant reminders to myself- no one will value me the way I want to be valued if I don't value myself in that way first. You can apply this to anything if you replace the word 'value' with something else. Still, I'll treat others the way I want to be treated but if it is not reciprocated I refuse to allow the mistreatment to continue. In the end, I'm the one left hurting. I am forgiving and patient with those I cherish- and that's okay, but there comes a time when I just have to let go. Letting go is something that is incredibly problematic for me. However, in order for me to survive, I MUST learn to do it.
I'm paving the way for others to make an effort on my behalf instead of it always being the other way around. I want to be happy. I will work for it. And I will eventually find it. Those who are around me will be happier because of that happiness. So really, it is a Win Win situation.
My turn has come.
The time has come for me to build myself up. I must value myself more than I value others. No longer will I allow myself to be taken advantage of and walked all over again and again because of my caring nature. To find happiness I must make it for myself first. I know these things. Now, I must just figure out how to make it happen. I've started a book I am hoping will help, 'A New Earth'.
It will be difficult, it will take time, but it starts now. There will be times when I fall down a few rungs on this ladder to new heights but as long as I don't stop climbing I'll be alright. It will require constant reminders to myself- no one will value me the way I want to be valued if I don't value myself in that way first. You can apply this to anything if you replace the word 'value' with something else. Still, I'll treat others the way I want to be treated but if it is not reciprocated I refuse to allow the mistreatment to continue. In the end, I'm the one left hurting. I am forgiving and patient with those I cherish- and that's okay, but there comes a time when I just have to let go. Letting go is something that is incredibly problematic for me. However, in order for me to survive, I MUST learn to do it.
I'm paving the way for others to make an effort on my behalf instead of it always being the other way around. I want to be happy. I will work for it. And I will eventually find it. Those who are around me will be happier because of that happiness. So really, it is a Win Win situation.
My turn has come.
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Weird Ways
Just tired of trying to make sense of things. Why is it so difficult to change one's thought process? I try to not care or react the way I always have but no matter what I do, I can't seem to change it. Either way the outcome is the same.
I miss my Otis. I want to do the right thing. I need to be positive. I want to be appreciated. Feel like I want to be needed. I don't want to be dispensable. I know I'm worthy of these things.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
No Way To Measure
Things are never as they seem, are they?
I have become so incredibly exhausted by this constant repeating of nonsense. I give up. I just want to sleep my life away. I feel as though I've been crashing to the Earth in slow motion; initial impact has occurred and now I'm bouncing back down again- I hope it will end soon. Waiting for the dust to settle seems to take ages when more dust is continually being stirred up. Can't seem to catch up.
Perception changes everything. It redefines what we think and feel and sets us apart from everyone else. Interesting thing it is. How does one even define perception? A view point, a measurement, an opinion. Changes the solidity of what we think we know. Provoking me to always ask questions, find no suitable answers and then proceed to try and not think about it any further (not an easy task).
Those damn circles! They're everywhere!
I wish I didn't need you, any of you. I just want to be self - reliant like I used to be. Maybe I never was. I spend so much of my time trying to live inside other people because when I am alone with me I don't know what to do. It's pathetic. One day I will get there...I hope. The in between time is what gets me.
I have become so incredibly exhausted by this constant repeating of nonsense. I give up. I just want to sleep my life away. I feel as though I've been crashing to the Earth in slow motion; initial impact has occurred and now I'm bouncing back down again- I hope it will end soon. Waiting for the dust to settle seems to take ages when more dust is continually being stirred up. Can't seem to catch up.
Perception changes everything. It redefines what we think and feel and sets us apart from everyone else. Interesting thing it is. How does one even define perception? A view point, a measurement, an opinion. Changes the solidity of what we think we know. Provoking me to always ask questions, find no suitable answers and then proceed to try and not think about it any further (not an easy task).
Those damn circles! They're everywhere!
I wish I didn't need you, any of you. I just want to be self - reliant like I used to be. Maybe I never was. I spend so much of my time trying to live inside other people because when I am alone with me I don't know what to do. It's pathetic. One day I will get there...I hope. The in between time is what gets me.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Circles
*sigh* *sigh* *siiiigggghhh*
I don't really believe that everything happens for a reason. I think it is easy to look back on a situation and see how it paved the way for something else to take place. Causality. Perhaps that's the same thing but I don't see it that way.
I can't get over the fact that no matter how much you want something the opposite is what comes crashing down on you.
You think you know a person, you think you can read people pretty well, that you are a good judge of character...but are you really? Maybe people are just getting better at hiding themselves.
I feel dispensible. It is not a feeling I'd like to have. It makes me question everyone and everything. It makes me anxious and my stomach upset. Perhaps i've just missed the boat or something. My mom says i'm not indespensible to her... :) that counts for something.
What I feel sounds so silly when I try to describe it. There is this connection...we talk, a lot. There is...understanding...at least i really feel that there is. I've always been on a different wavelength and it seems like suddenly i'm not the only one. I feel potential- real, solid, honest. Afraid to get caught up in another wave only to get pummeled, turned upside down and washed up. I don't want to sound cliche- it just feels different.
But maybe it's only different to me.
I don't really believe that everything happens for a reason. I think it is easy to look back on a situation and see how it paved the way for something else to take place. Causality. Perhaps that's the same thing but I don't see it that way.
I can't get over the fact that no matter how much you want something the opposite is what comes crashing down on you.
You think you know a person, you think you can read people pretty well, that you are a good judge of character...but are you really? Maybe people are just getting better at hiding themselves.
I feel dispensible. It is not a feeling I'd like to have. It makes me question everyone and everything. It makes me anxious and my stomach upset. Perhaps i've just missed the boat or something. My mom says i'm not indespensible to her... :) that counts for something.
What I feel sounds so silly when I try to describe it. There is this connection...we talk, a lot. There is...understanding...at least i really feel that there is. I've always been on a different wavelength and it seems like suddenly i'm not the only one. I feel potential- real, solid, honest. Afraid to get caught up in another wave only to get pummeled, turned upside down and washed up. I don't want to sound cliche- it just feels different.
But maybe it's only different to me.
Monday, May 9, 2011
An Early Return
*sigh* I'm home again. Left early. Pretty pointless to keep one of these when i don't really have internet access to update it. Even if I did I don't even know what to say anymore. I seem to be in a continuous cycle of shit. Seems like something good happens and I feel like, finally something positive I can swim in and surround myself with, use it to help me get myself out of this self-depricating rut and then it turns to crap. immediately. I can't figure it out and i'm so tired to repeating myself over and over and over.
does anyone mean anything they say anymore? is it really that difficult to just say what you feel or think and not try to please someone else at the same time? how do we measure significance in our relationships, in spoken word, if we can't trust anything anyone says- especially the people who are supposed to be close to you? are we just so fucking jaded and bitter that we hold ourselves back because of fear- we withhold, lie and ultimately hurt others because we're trying to prevent OURSELVES from being hurt? i am tired of everything being so hard. i crave simplicity. it's all a matter of perspective- i'm not perfect, I know this. i know how ridiculously cliche this sounds but sometimes i truly feel like i'm the only one who gets what i'm fucking saying and feeling. what i'd really like to know more than anything is what did i do in one of my past lives that racked up this much negative karma because i can't seem to get out from under the weight of it all.
i'm trying to be positive. to regain self confidence and love. it is immensely difficult. damn. hurt.
does anyone mean anything they say anymore? is it really that difficult to just say what you feel or think and not try to please someone else at the same time? how do we measure significance in our relationships, in spoken word, if we can't trust anything anyone says- especially the people who are supposed to be close to you? are we just so fucking jaded and bitter that we hold ourselves back because of fear- we withhold, lie and ultimately hurt others because we're trying to prevent OURSELVES from being hurt? i am tired of everything being so hard. i crave simplicity. it's all a matter of perspective- i'm not perfect, I know this. i know how ridiculously cliche this sounds but sometimes i truly feel like i'm the only one who gets what i'm fucking saying and feeling. what i'd really like to know more than anything is what did i do in one of my past lives that racked up this much negative karma because i can't seem to get out from under the weight of it all.
i'm trying to be positive. to regain self confidence and love. it is immensely difficult. damn. hurt.
Friday, April 22, 2011
Mi Familia
Almost been here a week now. It's been...relaxing. The weather has been warm and breezy, sometimes cloudy. The sound of crickets and frogs, the nearby train and the wind in the trees is so refreshing in the evening.
My grandparents decided to partake in my vegetarian lifestyle while i'm here in the effort to lose weight and be more healthy. I've been on them about drinking enough fluids (water), getting enough excercise (been riding bikes!) and eating better. (They are so surprised by my vegetarian food and how good it is- hah!)
I am glad to be away and spending time here with them and my cousins, uncles and aunt. But since i've been away i've come to realize that my past hurt has left me damaged in ways i have greatly feared. It is unfortunately a line of dominoes- one impacting the next and on and on until the entire thing is ruined. I sabotage myself so easily. I've become paralyzed by fear. *sigh*
Mom says practice will get me out of this state of mind- practice will help me to right myself and control my fears again. Even though I know she's right, I'm still not quite sure what all 'practice' entails. I guess we'll see.
California is so beautiful. There are green trees, colorful flowers and vines all over everything. It is something i simply love.
Happy Earth Day to all.
My grandparents decided to partake in my vegetarian lifestyle while i'm here in the effort to lose weight and be more healthy. I've been on them about drinking enough fluids (water), getting enough excercise (been riding bikes!) and eating better. (They are so surprised by my vegetarian food and how good it is- hah!)
I am glad to be away and spending time here with them and my cousins, uncles and aunt. But since i've been away i've come to realize that my past hurt has left me damaged in ways i have greatly feared. It is unfortunately a line of dominoes- one impacting the next and on and on until the entire thing is ruined. I sabotage myself so easily. I've become paralyzed by fear. *sigh*
Mom says practice will get me out of this state of mind- practice will help me to right myself and control my fears again. Even though I know she's right, I'm still not quite sure what all 'practice' entails. I guess we'll see.
California is so beautiful. There are green trees, colorful flowers and vines all over everything. It is something i simply love.
Happy Earth Day to all.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
no sir, i don't like it.
*sigh* back in Phoenix. Thankfully it's only for a short time. It is great to see my friends but just being here puts me on edge and in a frame of mind I was glad to leave behind. I must admit that even with the stirring up of bad things, I generally am feeling better since I was here last.
I really dislike the grayed out blue sky and lack of starlight in the evening. Boo.
BUT- Colleen polished all of my silver jewelry today after lunch! How i sparkle! She is amazing. Derek made me dinner and gave me home brews to drink (sweet!).
Spending tomorrow with previously mentioned favorites and finishing it off with my oldest friend. 21 years is a crazy amount of time. And yet, sometimes the measurement of time doesn't mean much at all.
Excitement is building for California and to be in the comfort of my Gramma's house again. Not looking forward to the 10 hour drive all by myself.
I really dislike the grayed out blue sky and lack of starlight in the evening. Boo.
BUT- Colleen polished all of my silver jewelry today after lunch! How i sparkle! She is amazing. Derek made me dinner and gave me home brews to drink (sweet!).
Spending tomorrow with previously mentioned favorites and finishing it off with my oldest friend. 21 years is a crazy amount of time. And yet, sometimes the measurement of time doesn't mean much at all.
Excitement is building for California and to be in the comfort of my Gramma's house again. Not looking forward to the 10 hour drive all by myself.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
road trip
Tomorrow I will depart Tucson to head to Phoenix to check in with a few folks and then by Saturday I'll be on my way to my Grandparents' house in the place of my birth; Merced/Atwater in the great state of California.
I'm looking forward to being in California, especially so close to summer. It brings back memories of my childhood spending months there in the sunshine with my Gramma and cousins, eating watermelon and strawberries. Picking blackberries and making pie with them. Getting into arguments with my Grandpa who is such a pain in the ass, even after all these years. I haven't spent much time there in the last 10 years so I am really looking forward to going for an extended period. I am bringing my bike so that my grandparents and I can ride and I'm planning on keeping them busy with yoga videos and exercise. Hopefully I can convince my Gramma to let me cook some of our meals. I am looking forward to being there but I am also hesitant to leave. Things seem to just be sprouting here and I am fearful that I may be leaving at the wrong time...it will only be a month a half. I will return before Mom's 50th birthday on the 2nd of June (wow!).
The trees are turning bright green and the cactus are blooming after that bad freeze here in February. It is so pretty.
...like cybidium orchids, pale green ones. <3
I'm looking forward to being in California, especially so close to summer. It brings back memories of my childhood spending months there in the sunshine with my Gramma and cousins, eating watermelon and strawberries. Picking blackberries and making pie with them. Getting into arguments with my Grandpa who is such a pain in the ass, even after all these years. I haven't spent much time there in the last 10 years so I am really looking forward to going for an extended period. I am bringing my bike so that my grandparents and I can ride and I'm planning on keeping them busy with yoga videos and exercise. Hopefully I can convince my Gramma to let me cook some of our meals. I am looking forward to being there but I am also hesitant to leave. Things seem to just be sprouting here and I am fearful that I may be leaving at the wrong time...it will only be a month a half. I will return before Mom's 50th birthday on the 2nd of June (wow!).
The trees are turning bright green and the cactus are blooming after that bad freeze here in February. It is so pretty.
...like cybidium orchids, pale green ones. <3
Thursday, April 7, 2011
It begins...
Of course as soon as I prepared my first ever blog entry, the wifi card in my recently acquired laptop died. Still need to get it repaired.
I feel like like the trunk of me has been split into different directions. Weathered and worn smooth; I've lost some of the strength that keeps me standing sturdy and still. Sometimes I forget how to hold myself up.
It's rained a few times here and I've truly enjoyed that. Spring is here and Summer is coming. I wonder how long it will take for new life to flow again in these old limbs.
The way things come together and fall apart is really interesting. I try not to question the permanence of new developments but it is sort of against my nature to not over think it. It is scary and so very simple at the same time. Learning to heal takes such a long time; especially when you can't completely identify all of the things or areas that need to be repaired or restored. It's really fucking silly but I still strive to make everything make sense...Oh well.
I need some coffee.
I feel like like the trunk of me has been split into different directions. Weathered and worn smooth; I've lost some of the strength that keeps me standing sturdy and still. Sometimes I forget how to hold myself up.
It's rained a few times here and I've truly enjoyed that. Spring is here and Summer is coming. I wonder how long it will take for new life to flow again in these old limbs.
The way things come together and fall apart is really interesting. I try not to question the permanence of new developments but it is sort of against my nature to not over think it. It is scary and so very simple at the same time. Learning to heal takes such a long time; especially when you can't completely identify all of the things or areas that need to be repaired or restored. It's really fucking silly but I still strive to make everything make sense...Oh well.
I need some coffee.
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